I live in a big city, very big, a kind which many people calls home. Yet, I have days, when things just pass by and everyone just enjoys their own time without noticing that I am part of this place too. I get a bit crazy at times and loneliness has become a part of myself. I think of running away to some place like Antarctica and live the rest of my life in isolation.
There are still days when no one answers their phone, or email, or they forget to drop in a visit you and it makes me feel so useless. I have managed to lose around 6 kg’s in past 4 months. I eat proper, I live proper but still. May be it’s in the mind, the stress, the depression of not being able to love my own life according to my will.
Things dint start with being this bad. It was all so beautiful and Adrian was my life and I still try to figure out what went wrong? Maybe I know the answers and I just don’t want to accept it anymore. It makes me all numb. I didn’t have a horrible childhood. There were a few flaws, such as my dad deciding that getting high was more important than his family. My mom went into her own grief and turned a blind eye to me. At school I wasn’t really popular and then again I wasn’t a nerd… yet I never liked any of the guys at my school, except one – I would tell you about him later on!
And that is when I started to look at others for love and affection. Then, I started to smoke. What a habit! Sometimes I feel the problem is in me, in my mind. The freedom I seek or desire had never been a part of my culture and I don’t know from where did I pick it up. But those desires are major barriers, not allowing me to live peacefully. I knew I was emotionally messed up because I couldn’t hold a conversation with anyone. I had no confidence or self-esteem, and I knew why.
“The bad things happen to make us strong.”
But in my case, it made me weak and fragile. I have to thank Ashton for being sunshine in my life but what lies ahead is a big question mark. He showed me love, and how it could conquer all. He made me feel as though as long as I had someone to love, everything would be ok. This sudden urge of happiness spurred me, making me for the first time in a while – purely happy.
Did you notice, I wrote “First time in a while” and not “in-life”. Coming back to my husband, he made me happy, we were in love but it all changed. I am married to him but not happy anymore. The distance between us took it all away. HE lives in a different part of the country and I live somewhere else, the same Visa shit! But basically it started with minor disputes but with time things were so blown up. And now……I am in love with someone else.
Sometimes I feel Adrian does try to be a better husband again but I push him back. But what do I do? Am I some kind of a remote control toy? With mood buttons? You say laugh I laugh, you say get lost and I run away? No!!!! He pushed me so much away that now it’s very difficult for me to look at him with love. While he was away, I use to go out with my friends, and when I came home, I had to face his tantrums on calls. He was so damn possessive and jealous. It was never like I was a desperate bitch searching for a boyfriend. No!! I wanted my marriage to work….
And then when I think about Ashton I just have one thought in my mind
“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened”