*Confessions*

I have never felt so miserable in my life before. The way things are coming up and the way everything is just taking a shape is getting out of my control. For the first time in my life I realized the seriousness of the situation I have put myself into. It’s very easy to get out of everything when you don’t care but here, everything is at stake. My mind is with one person and heart with another. I have been crying my eyes out coz’ I don’t wish this to happen.

Adrian wants to take me for a holiday. Probably he saw all the bad things coming his way and finally he realized his role as a husband but it’s too late. My heart lies with Ashton and how do I smile with Adrian when I am really not happy. Talking to him ‘normally’ seems so stressful. So yes I am going on a holiday, sounds fun right? NO!!! it’s a torture 😥

“My husband is not the one for me” and that reality has slapped me hard in the face.

I wouldn’t want to imagine life without Ashton. I enjoy being with him, even when it’s through a virtual medium, more than anyone else in this world. I love him more than I ever thought you could love someone, and I miss him whenever I am not with him. I like Ashton much more than my obnoxiously religious, youth pastor future husband

This is my crazy country where what happens is we have a world inside a world, where most marriages end in divorce, and even those that don’t are often unhappy. I hate being in this situation so much. Why can’t everyone else just live their own life instead of interfering in mine and forcing their decisions on mine? That includes my mom too. She has to interfere completely in my life and for the things she has done for me, I am speechless but her interference is above the normal level.

Sometimes i feel I have lost myself completely. How do I re-invent myself after being shattered inside and this is exactly when I feel dying is better than going through all this mess. I wanna have the right to choose whom I wanna live with instead of being forced to follow the pre-defined set of rules.

This week… I am just burnt out on being me. I am rash and impulsive. I speak first and think later. I break things all the time. I fall a lot. I am always rushing, rushing, rushing, and this is NOT me.

I am stressed, and I don’t even know the reason for being one. Life is just going fine at the moment (or that’s what people around has forced me to believe) but still I find myself reading something online or in a book and then all I wanna do is cry in a fetal position. It makes me realize about the wrong choices that I have made and I seem to hate everything in this world.

I have come face to face with some of the fictions that I held of marriage, some of the lies I fostered and believed. And here is the biggest one: “All you need is love”.

You know what is the most irritating thing? FAMILY!!! Yes especially when you have an interfering one. Ghosh!! I wanna cry again!!

I have confession to make:

No1) I can never love you Adrian as much as I did when we first started dating. Though I have your name inked on my hand, loving you again is impossible even when you try and be perfect now!!!!

No.2) Ashton if you are reading this blog, I don’t really know whether you read it or not considering your laziness, do whatever it takes but TAKE ME WITH YOU. And if you cannot I want one thing from you – “a baby” :p (All the exclusive rights on the baby stays with me)