*Confessions*

I have never felt so miserable in my life before. The way things are coming up and the way everything is just taking a shape is getting out of my control. For the first time in my life I realized the seriousness of the situation I have put myself into. It’s very easy to get out of everything when you don’t care but here, everything is at stake. My mind is with one person and heart with another. I have been crying my eyes out coz’ I don’t wish this to happen.

Adrian wants to take me for a holiday. Probably he saw all the bad things coming his way and finally he realized his role as a husband but it’s too late. My heart lies with Ashton and how do I smile with Adrian when I am really not happy. Talking to him ‘normally’ seems so stressful. So yes I am going on a holiday, sounds fun right? NO!!! it’s a torture 😥

“My husband is not the one for me” and that reality has slapped me hard in the face.

I wouldn’t want to imagine life without Ashton. I enjoy being with him, even when it’s through a virtual medium, more than anyone else in this world. I love him more than I ever thought you could love someone, and I miss him whenever I am not with him. I like Ashton much more than my obnoxiously religious, youth pastor future husband

This is my crazy country where what happens is we have a world inside a world, where most marriages end in divorce, and even those that don’t are often unhappy. I hate being in this situation so much. Why can’t everyone else just live their own life instead of interfering in mine and forcing their decisions on mine? That includes my mom too. She has to interfere completely in my life and for the things she has done for me, I am speechless but her interference is above the normal level.

Sometimes i feel I have lost myself completely. How do I re-invent myself after being shattered inside and this is exactly when I feel dying is better than going through all this mess. I wanna have the right to choose whom I wanna live with instead of being forced to follow the pre-defined set of rules.

This week… I am just burnt out on being me. I am rash and impulsive. I speak first and think later. I break things all the time. I fall a lot. I am always rushing, rushing, rushing, and this is NOT me.

I am stressed, and I don’t even know the reason for being one. Life is just going fine at the moment (or that’s what people around has forced me to believe) but still I find myself reading something online or in a book and then all I wanna do is cry in a fetal position. It makes me realize about the wrong choices that I have made and I seem to hate everything in this world.

I have come face to face with some of the fictions that I held of marriage, some of the lies I fostered and believed. And here is the biggest one: “All you need is love”.

You know what is the most irritating thing? FAMILY!!! Yes especially when you have an interfering one. Ghosh!! I wanna cry again!!

I have confession to make:

No1) I can never love you Adrian as much as I did when we first started dating. Though I have your name inked on my hand, loving you again is impossible even when you try and be perfect now!!!!

No.2) Ashton if you are reading this blog, I don’t really know whether you read it or not considering your laziness, do whatever it takes but TAKE ME WITH YOU. And if you cannot I want one thing from you – “a baby” :p (All the exclusive rights on the baby stays with me)

 

 

 

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*He called me a stalker*

Ashton is irritating and the conversations seen by far definitely proves that, doesn’t it? but i still love him and that is also a fact 🙂

In fact how we first started talking, was with his irritating stunts, and experiments on me. He has a blog here on WordPress and the ‘contact me’ section had his email id. After putting in many random comments and after having a war of comments i finally emailed him on that mentioned address, nothing long just a simple “Good Morning”, coz’ it was morning here.

Within few seconds i get a reply “Morning for you was midnight for me. But, to comply with your time zone, Good Morning as well”

So now you get my point. He could have written a simple Good Morning” in reply but NO :/ :/ !! The kind he is, he has to mess with words

What happened next is all in pictures

photo

HIS REPLY:

photo 1

Whose email updates once an hour?? LOL i can smell all lies here!!! haha!!! Dude you wanna give your number or talk on message, Just Say it….This mail refreshing shit was too much to handle!! And i had sincere laugh reading it.

READ THIS IN REVERSE ORDER:

photo 2

I COULDN’T FIND THE NUMBER HE GAVE ON WHATS APP

photo 3

SEE HIS LONG IRRITATING REPLY

photo 4

You see, such a self loving person. I never did a Google search on him haha, Infact as i use an iPhone, when i tried saving his number, the location flashed on its own. But the self obsessed person he is……..

Phew!!! Lol!! when i look back to this conversations it makes me laugh out loud. We reached from where to where.Laughing all the time, and giving me such obnoxious answers, he managed to steal something which was already given to someone else. I could not help myself but fall in love with his madness.

Finally I see that it’s never been me, just a blanket that keeps you warm. Easily tossed along when something flashier or someone prettier comes along. Your heart I held so carefully, I see, this was all just a game. DESTINY’S GAME!!

 

 

A Response to ‘Women Against Feminism.’

Some of the things i read online and it makes me wanna cry!!

iwantedwings

Imagine this:

The year is 2014. You are a white Western woman. You wake up in the morning in a comfortably sized house or flat. You have a full or part-time job that enables you to pay your rent or mortgage. You have been to school and maybe even college or university as well. You can read and write and count. You own a car or have a driver’s licence. You have enough money in your own bank account to feed and clothe yourself. You have access to the Internet. You can vote. You have a boyfriend or girlfriend of your choosing, who you can also marry if you want to, and raise a family with. You walk down the street wearing whatever you feel like wearing. You can go to bars and clubs and sleep with whomever you want.

Your world is full of freedom and possibility.

Then you…

View original post 1,400 more words

*I Painted a Pic of US*

See I wasn’t exaggerating, i have reasons why i love Ashton so much. here’s one of our funny conversation and one of my favorite:

“I painted a picture of us”  until now it was me painting things, i had no clue since when did he started painting

photo

I was staring at this picture for like 30 seconds trying to figure out “US” in this, and then again his message popped up

“You like it?, Surprise?”

“We look complicated”

“Aren’t we?, you are pink, i am blue and Adrian is brown”

I was literally speechless and was laughing hard. I wouldn’t have been surprised if someone told me he worked for devils

“haha”

“Him and i are tangled up in a fight for you, but i am winning because you are closer to me, he is on the top to over power, but i am like with you, to support you, you dog is green”

Wow even my dog became a part of this painting. And there you know “It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes”

“Ok i found this on Google typing ‘terrible paintings’ lol, i am making all this up as i go” LOl again, i am so used to LOL now!!

“I am laughing out loud”

“Seems accurate though”

So now you know:

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love

 

 

*Surprise*

“If you do not make your girl happy, someone else will” I guess that fits in perfectly in my life.

I dated Adrian for nearly 2 and half years but it was all long distance. Someone has truly said “love is blind” coz’ I was completely blinded by it. Everything seemed so perfect and fine in long distance. All those flaws were hidden behind my love for him. He was ‘same’ back then, but I was ready to compromise a lot more for his love and when I realized I cannot live a fake life anymore, time had passed away and it was already too late. Ask him what my favorite flower is and probably he wouldn’t have an answer. He never sent me or got me any.

My life-my real life-started when a man walked into it, a total stranger. It was an ordinary day-like really ordinary, no fun, all boring things around and no fun. Imagine my surprise this afternoon to find out that someone sent me flowers. It was like a week since I started talking to Ashton. So then, imagine my shock to open the card and find a note that says:

“Sorry, No tulips this time princess”

Apparently Red Tulips are my favorite flowers and secondly I love Pink roses. Only one person knew about this.

So this is how it all started. I get a call from my corporate office (head office) that someone has sent flowers for me. It was like 3 hours into the office and I was engrossed in work and this call was like “Something I never expected at all”. Picking up my car keys I ran towards the corporate office to check what it is and who sent it. My first thought was Adrian, but then he never got me flower sin person and sending them like this is something never expected out of him. So it had no guesses. But the moment I saw the note I had all the answers.

Ashton called me ‘princess’ and on the top of it, it was a bunch of pink roses. He did ask me few days back what were my favorite flowers. If he would have been in front of me I could have stood on my toes and would have stolen a soft kiss from his lips. I was like a chocolate in a box, looking well behaved and perfect in place, all the while harboring a secret center.

Asking him about how did he manage this, well he knew where i worked and it was easy to Google the company address. But he never knew that i do not operate from the head office, and, i sit in a separate marketing unit. His plans of making me feel special by sending flowers at my work place and me, receiving it in front of all other employees went in vain. BUT…..This was so sweet of him. No one sent me flowers like this ever. it was a beautiful gesture which i can never forget.

I have a picture of those flowers which I can share

roses

Life is so full of unpredictable beauty and strange surprises. Sometimes that beauty is too much for me to handle. Do you know that feeling? When something is just too beautiful? When someone says something or writes something or plays something that moves you to the point of tears, maybe even changes you.

This was kind of how this whole thing started.

Sometimes life surprises you…and when it does, it’s purely magical. Allow yourself to be open to the magic that is about to happen…★

 

 

 

*Vegeterian Vs Non-Vegeterian*

Connect 4 has become an integral part of my life…wait, OUR life…. Me and Ashton!! Yes, he taught me that game and we play it ON CHAT!! You know iMessage has those white, red, and blue ball emoticons. Exactly!!! We decide things playing this game and recently we had an argument over the name of our imaginary baby! We have an imaginary Baby Girl and while i am big fan of Indian names, Ashton wanted it to be English.

“We play connect 4 for the naming rights” That was typical Ashton, he knew well i would lose like always and so the ball was in his court

“Why not, huh”

“Ok, you pick your top 3 names, and i pick my top 3. The loser gets to pick the name from the winners list”

“And what are your tops 3?”

“You first lol” Sometimes i feel like murdering the word LOL all together

“Kavya, Maahi, Pearl”

“Haley, Alayna, Katheirne (but probably Kat or Kate) I mean seriously? Kate? That’ such a horrible name

“All three sucks equally” and i meant it though i did like Alayna a bit but it should have been Alana and not Alayna

“hahaha” Whas was so funny in my answer is what i fail to understand

“All American names u Bias human” i snapped back

“Alayna isn’t English”

“Really? Hebrew?”

“Alayna means beautiful, Haley means meadow and also the name of most coveted comet ever”

“i asked language?”

“Irish” Why the fuck would i have Irish name for my baby??

“You are Irish, so you want Irish names?”

“You picked Indian names yourself and i am not Irish lol” Again LOL?? :/

“It would be an Indian name and thats final. period!!”

“I disagree, anyways what do we teach her? 😮 😮 , Hindi, English, Vegeterian, meat lover? Yes, i am a complete vegetarian and i accept no torture on animals and this human wanted my baby to eat the fucking meat!! NO!!

“Vegetarian OFCOURSE”

“Again i disagree, i believe in free choice, baby wants to eat a live chicken, why not?” LIVE CHICKEN???? WTF does that mean? he wants my baby to become a cannibal like himself

“No and NO means No”

“She can be a vegetarian when you are around”  How typical American :/

Shut up, i would teach her all bad things about meat”

“okay so i guess we can never have babies LOL” LOL again?? :-l

“better”

“I know we joke, but before you decide you want to be with me, you would have realized, we could never agree on children :/

“No, i would have a vegetarian baby”  The typical stubborn me

“so do i want a baby, but not a vegetarian one”

“No”

“yes”

“no”

“i can agree to no beef, even sea food…but essential vitamins and minerals are found in animals” wow!!! 85% India is vegetarian, so does he meant that Indians are all deficient ? Moron

“Shut up”

“No health risk for baby, and i am serious, if she chooses no meat herself i support”

“i will teach her ‘no meat’ policy”

“you teach her no meat….. i teach her ‘meat when mommy isn’t home'”

“And then out of the house you go”

” i will have you deported back to Indian Lol”

“Baby’s mother has first right on the child FYI”

“Fuck you”

“Thank you 🙂 “

“Lol, now we have to get her into some activities, i vote singing lessons. Young girls sing well”

“No she will paint”

“Why not both?, Painters are lame”

“really?”

“A little, but i made an exception for you”

“Shameless”

“i know”

And it goes on…………… This is how our conversations take a shape. Random, stupid, fun but in the end it makes us smile. I have been with Adrian since 3 years but we never had such beautiful conversations. This were all those things he never gave me. My crazy tear ducts betrayed me and a drop fell from the corner of my eye. the route to my ‘Happy Ending’ looked so clear yet so hazy. there were large sized thorns on the way that are likely to tear me apart and also make me bleed. As much as i wanted to be in a castle i wanted to take Ashton aliong with me in this journey. the question was

“How”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*You know it better* – Really??

I never really paid attention to any abandoned buildings, until I, myself, became one of them. Now I look at all of them so carefully. Those paints scrapping out of the walls, infrastructure remaining dying a slow poisonous death. I try and sense the aura around to see if I can still smell the life that once resided in here. They are just like, once full of life, dying a slow death.

I wanna run away from everything but running away is not helping either. Wherever I turn, I find Adrian everywhere. Whoever I talk to have his name. Whom do I talk to about all this? I have no clue. No human around me has the capacity to understand the struggle I have in me. Even his parents have started hating me I feel. They don’t talk properly and on the top of that I live with them with no husband in sight. I feel so lonely.

Thanks to those few bunch of lights I have whom I call my friends. Though they can never completely understand my struggle, they do help me cope up with depression.

When the things started turning an ugly shape, I tried talking out with Adrian. I wanted to have a healthy discussion to solve the problem. But every time I tired, he pushed me back. I cried and he enjoyed his life without understanding even 1% of what I was feeling.

Today is a gloomy day, the rain doesn’t stop and my head is all going bonkers. I already feel like half insane. What do you expect to happen to yourself when you have people around behaving so weird? They make you feel like “you are not one of us”. So I decided to message my husband

“Your parents are behaving too weird, any problem?”

“How would I know?” You see his cold replies.

“What do you mean by how would you know? Of course you know, you talk to them more than you talk to me”

“You know it better” Wow I was like, really??? I know it better? I have a fucking volcano erupting in my brain with all the shit you have put me through and now you say I know it better?

“What do I know??? Please explain”

“Look at yourself, the way they behave with you is just perfect” And that was it. Who do I go and tell all this?

And then I went MUTE!!! That’s what I always do when I have no answers and I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

So this are the kind of conversations we have. I try to have a healthy discussion but looks like it doesn’t turn out well. He must be rich, well settled, owns a house but he failed as a husband. If money can you happiness, I would have been the happiest person. All I desired was understanding and respect which I found somewhere else.