Diary Closed – Some memories never die however you try

Standing there
Looking back at me
Is my life
And what it used to be

Filled with love
So perfect and sweet
Was my wonderful life
Nothing had it beat

But it all came crashing down
When you said goodbye
Turning my smile to a frown
And bringing tears to my eyes

My lip in a tremble
My eyes blood shot red
This was the part of my relationship
The part that i would always dread

To lose you
Brought great saddness and despair
And brought me also to realize
Just how much you didn’t care

My begs and pleads
Meant nothing to you
And i soon found out
There was nothing i could do

I lost you in my battle
Between my depression so great
And losing you brought me down
To the point of a break

And now i sit
With a knife in hand
No one can fix this
No one understands

A new start may be in line
A tearful goodbye
I’ll just follow the sign
Until the day i die

I knew it was over between us because that night, when i sat to write, the paper turned RED

A letter from a friend

I have always seen her lively, always speaking her mind out, someone who’s always there for her friends (at least I can say that because I know she’s there, even if call her at 4 in the morning), a gal for whom the life is not meant to be spent but to live and that too, to the fullest.

We were together during our college, she was a senior to me, but there was something that connected us at a wink of an eye. Yes, its been like 4 years or so, and I haven’t seen her for last 3 years I guess, but we are updated about each others life, not on a daily basis, but on a secondly basis… yes!

You never know we might turn out into a lesbian couple in the near future lol! You never know…the circumstances we are going through may lead us to a different kind of love… :p

I know almost everything about veronica and Ashton, and trust me…apart from listening it directly from her I prefer reading it through her diary, coz there she bleeds her heart out. Her emotions, her feelings, her love and veronica herself is right there  in every word. I understand the circumstances and regional boundaries shes bounded to, but my point is that we live only once, and that one life must be taken well taken care off.

Veronica must do what her heart asks her to do, after all her happiness dwells in and around Ashton.

I know some people might think that it is a love that flowered on some social networking site or blog spot, but is it really necessary to see each other or have physical relationship with each other to have a thing called LOVE.

Now coming to Adrian, Veronica’s lawfully wedded husband, who was meant to cherish her, love her, keep her protected, be it good or bad is doing something totally different. I understand long distance relationship hardly work, but how come Ashton and Veronica are all good with their long distance relationship,, which actually is not bounded with things called marriage, responsibilities, boundaries, n blah blah….

Even they are managing right? No they are not managing, they are living…whatever time they have together, they are trying to make the best out of it….

My point is why she (Veronica) is not allowed to live on her own terms….coz shes a girl, born in the country or a kind of culture where ‘what people will think or say’ is way more important than what will make you as a person happy and satisfied…

Heartbeat: My Life, My Struggle, and the Love I HAD

Thank You Heartbeat!!

The Fickle Heartbeat

Shared by Veronica.

”

“My husband is not the one for me” and that reality has slapped me hard in the face.

I never really paid attention to any abandoned buildings, until I, myself, became one of them. Now I look at all of them so carefully. Those paints scrapping out of the walls and, infrastructure remaining dying a slow poisonous death. I try and sense the aura around to see if I can still smell the life that once resided in here. They are just like me, once full of life, dying a slow death.

I am Veronica, 26 years old, MARRIED

Life was boring and monotonous until i walked into Ashton Garcia. Ashton is like a normal man, nothing different from ‘my husband’ Adrian but I have a CONNECTION with him – “When you know, you know”. The closer i get, more I realize, I cannot be with…

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*I am Women, I am Invincible, I am tired*

It’s not that I didn’t get the sleep and I am tired, it’s the other way round. My heart is actually tired of beating, my lungs refuse to breathe, and the whole essence of my existence is tiring. I want sleep, a kind where I have to never wake up again.

I am tired of acting like everything is ok and I am tired of people thinking that I have a wonderful family life. I wanna get rid of this shell, of a fake smile, and I am tired that nobody noticed.

And the truth is that I feel worthless……..

I am tired holding on to things that are no more in my control and I am tired of trying to control what cannot be controlled.

I am not upset or hurt or for that instance angry anymore…I am just tired….

Often, it’s the deepest pain that empowers you to grow into your highest self, and I am tired of hiding the mess that I am in.

I am on the verge of nervous breakdown……

Love doesn’t hurt, loving the wrong person hurts, and I am tired being the better person. One day I will be the bitch they claim I am!

At times I feel I am waiting for something that isn’t going to happen, but I will wait, till the end ‘coz I cannot love anymore, I gave you all the love I had left in me, I have nothing more for anyone.

“Please don’t forget me and all the things we did. I love you.. I love you so much.”

*We won’t make Love, Love will make us*

Everywhere i turn, i see your face
Those eyes full of life, lips i long to taste
The love we have, is nowhere is sight
Tears reveal, the pain in my eyes
As the heart beats slowly, i get lonely
No longer i believe, in the theory of SOULMATES

“Come sleep with me: We won’t make Love,Love will make us.”

*no beginning, no end*

Staring at the sunset makes me wonder
They all taught me Love
But no one taught me, how to leave them
I am fading, and i am fighting it hard
Hold on to my hands tightly, and look in my eyes
As life might slip away any time soon with a smile
Sing me soft lullaby taking me to grave
Chandeliers falling, screaming, and calling
Hitting the hail, in the cold winter wind
I fear life, and i see no escape
Sending chills up my spine, giving me a heart attak

I love you, with no beginning, no end. I love you as you have become an extra necessary organ in my body. I love you as only a girl could love a boy. Without fear. Without expectations. Wanting nothing in return, except that you allow me to keep you here in my heart, that I may always know your strength, your eyes, and your spirit that gave me freedom and let me fly

*Awesomed all over the place*

Ashton and I define “Being Weird” totally! We see those dreams that none of us are sure, whether we would be able to see that day or not. A small beautiful house or you can say a small cottage with lots of bookshelves and comfy couches. Veronica loves to read and Ashton loves to sleep, so that’s our perfect spot. Airy rooms with big windows where we can put “Paper pin wheel fans” by the window.

My love for origami is beyond compare. Our incredible deck with rocking chair would also have some origami birds hanging here and there. The deck would be having some rocking chairs to sit and look at the beautiful view.

Garden is too big to maintain but we will have few flower pots on the window with wild flowers and pink roses. Family photographs on the wall decorated by sea shells which we are going to pick ourselves while we have a long walk on the beach. Kitchen would be an open one with colorful fruits and vegetables. A basement for his singing instrument and garage for my painting stuff. Oh yes!! His basement room is gonna have a separate small kitchen for his chicken lol! Far away from my vegetarian kitchen.

With a big, expensive house comes huge financial responsibilities and so we chose peace of mind and quality daily life.

So again while we have such beautiful house plans, we do come back to our meat arguments, have a look at his nasty message after I said something on women and freedom:

I said world is better if men own women lol. They cook and clean and all that good stuff. Or we can sell them or trade them if we get sick of them. Everybody wins lol

Loser, why not!!! , what r u doing

On a break

Food? You eat something except chips?

Salad actually hahaha

Wow!! Health conscious?

Yep! Lettuce, green pepper, onion, Cucumber, tomato, carrots, black beans, chili lime seasoning

No meat in it?

And spicy chicken breast!!!

, loser

(Devil)

(Puke), how can u eat that gross thing i don’t understand!!

My cooking isn’t gross

You yourself are gross

Lol, you’re in love with a gross boy: P

You eat dirty thing, u shower in 30 seconds and i don’t know whether u brush or not!! And yeah hard luck

Brush???

Tooth brush, brushing the teeth

What’s that?!

You pig

Yep :), Oink oink

 

Ashton is a real sweet guy who wants to do everything to not ruin the relationship, he doesn’t fight back and tries to get out of it by making me  laugh- he probably listens but doesn’t want to spark the fire even more. That is what I find cute!

With Adrian it’s like I say one thing and he would jump into the competition of abusing me. I say one, he returns with three and in the end ‘I hate him’

Normally boys got crazy during fights and I am lucky that he keeps me smiling even when I am in a fighting situation.

Only if the luck would have come a bit earlier……

*Confessions*

I have never felt so miserable in my life before. The way things are coming up and the way everything is just taking a shape is getting out of my control. For the first time in my life I realized the seriousness of the situation I have put myself into. It’s very easy to get out of everything when you don’t care but here, everything is at stake. My mind is with one person and heart with another. I have been crying my eyes out coz’ I don’t wish this to happen.

Adrian wants to take me for a holiday. Probably he saw all the bad things coming his way and finally he realized his role as a husband but it’s too late. My heart lies with Ashton and how do I smile with Adrian when I am really not happy. Talking to him ‘normally’ seems so stressful. So yes I am going on a holiday, sounds fun right? NO!!! it’s a torture 😥

“My husband is not the one for me” and that reality has slapped me hard in the face.

I wouldn’t want to imagine life without Ashton. I enjoy being with him, even when it’s through a virtual medium, more than anyone else in this world. I love him more than I ever thought you could love someone, and I miss him whenever I am not with him. I like Ashton much more than my obnoxiously religious, youth pastor future husband

This is my crazy country where what happens is we have a world inside a world, where most marriages end in divorce, and even those that don’t are often unhappy. I hate being in this situation so much. Why can’t everyone else just live their own life instead of interfering in mine and forcing their decisions on mine? That includes my mom too. She has to interfere completely in my life and for the things she has done for me, I am speechless but her interference is above the normal level.

Sometimes i feel I have lost myself completely. How do I re-invent myself after being shattered inside and this is exactly when I feel dying is better than going through all this mess. I wanna have the right to choose whom I wanna live with instead of being forced to follow the pre-defined set of rules.

This week… I am just burnt out on being me. I am rash and impulsive. I speak first and think later. I break things all the time. I fall a lot. I am always rushing, rushing, rushing, and this is NOT me.

I am stressed, and I don’t even know the reason for being one. Life is just going fine at the moment (or that’s what people around has forced me to believe) but still I find myself reading something online or in a book and then all I wanna do is cry in a fetal position. It makes me realize about the wrong choices that I have made and I seem to hate everything in this world.

I have come face to face with some of the fictions that I held of marriage, some of the lies I fostered and believed. And here is the biggest one: “All you need is love”.

You know what is the most irritating thing? FAMILY!!! Yes especially when you have an interfering one. Ghosh!! I wanna cry again!!

I have confession to make:

No1) I can never love you Adrian as much as I did when we first started dating. Though I have your name inked on my hand, loving you again is impossible even when you try and be perfect now!!!!

No.2) Ashton if you are reading this blog, I don’t really know whether you read it or not considering your laziness, do whatever it takes but TAKE ME WITH YOU. And if you cannot I want one thing from you – “a baby” :p (All the exclusive rights on the baby stays with me)

 

 

 

*He called me a stalker*

Ashton is irritating and the conversations seen by far definitely proves that, doesn’t it? but i still love him and that is also a fact 🙂

In fact how we first started talking, was with his irritating stunts, and experiments on me. He has a blog here on WordPress and the ‘contact me’ section had his email id. After putting in many random comments and after having a war of comments i finally emailed him on that mentioned address, nothing long just a simple “Good Morning”, coz’ it was morning here.

Within few seconds i get a reply “Morning for you was midnight for me. But, to comply with your time zone, Good Morning as well”

So now you get my point. He could have written a simple Good Morning” in reply but NO !! The kind he is, he has to mess with words

What happened next is all in pictures

HIS REPLY:

Whose email updates once an hour?? LOL i can smell all lies here!!! haha!!! Dude you wanna give your number or talk on message, Just Say it….This mail refreshing shit was too much to handle!! And i had sincere laugh reading it.

READ THIS IN REVERSE ORDER:

I COULDN’T FIND THE NUMBER HE GAVE ON WHATS APP

SEE HIS LONG IRRITATING REPLY

You see, such a self loving person. I never did a Google search on him haha, Infact as i use an iPhone, when i tried saving his number, the location flashed on its own. But the self obsessed person he is……..

Phew!!! Lol!! when i look back to this conversations it makes me laugh out loud. We reached from where to where.Laughing all the time, and giving me such obnoxious answers, he managed to steal something which was already given to someone else. I could not help myself but fall in love with his madness.

Finally I see that it’s never been me, just a blanket that keeps you warm. Easily tossed along when something flashier or someone prettier comes along. Your heart I held so carefully, I see, this was all just a game. DESTINY’S GAME!!

 

 

A Response to ‘Women Against Feminism.’

Some of the things i read online and it makes me wanna cry!!

iwantedwings

Imagine this:

The year is 2014. You are a white Western woman. You wake up in the morning in a comfortably sized house or flat. You have a full or part-time job that enables you to pay your rent or mortgage. You have been to school and maybe even college or university as well. You can read and write and count. You own a car or have a driver’s licence. You have enough money in your own bank account to feed and clothe yourself. You have access to the Internet. You can vote. You have a boyfriend or girlfriend of your choosing, who you can also marry if you want to, and raise a family with. You walk down the street wearing whatever you feel like wearing. You can go to bars and clubs and sleep with whomever you want.

Your world is full of freedom and possibility.

Then you…

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